As a child, when I thought about how I wanted my life to be, I always envisioned myself to be a stay at home mum until my children were at school, In reality though very few families can afford to do that in this era, and so when I fell pregnant I had to face the cold hard fact that I would have to go back to work.
At the start of my maternity leave I had always planned to return to work after 6 months. Financially it was the only option, as Simon is still studying and I am the primary breadwinner. Fortunately Cooper's arrival was timed perfectly with my first day of maternity leave so I still had plenty of annual leave up my sleeve, and I chose to use it to give me an extra month at home, and to allow me to get through the festive season without having to worry about work as well.
The plan was to have Cooper in day care 3 days a week while I was in the office and for me to work two half days from home for the first 12 months re-evaluating my position when the 12 months expired. Unfortunately, although Cooper's name had been on the waiting list at day care for around 16 months they could not offer him a position until February. God bless Grandparents. My mum and mother in law were both able to pitch in and help get us through January when I headed back by coming and staying for up to two weeks each.
One of the biggest concerns and fears I had, and I suppose all working mothers have, was in regards to my perception in the office. I work in a male dominate work place, and I 've seen first hand the effect that returning to work in a part time capacity after having a baby has done to some women. I know myself I was always quick to judge mothers who said they were "working from home" for the afternoon because their child was sick, and I swear the amount of times their child was sick was at least once a fortnight, I had no idea that this is just the reality of having your child in childcare. My how my perceptions quickly changed the instant Cooper was born. The thought that I could judge my fellow sisters so harshly made me sick to my stomach and made me wonder just what was being said about my work performance in the office given I worked 2 days a week from home. Not only that, but with Cooper literally sick for 3 weeks I hardly spent a full day in the office in his second month of childcare. I was terrified of being judged the way I had judged others, and to those women, if you are reading this, I am beyond sorry. No one will ever know how hard you do work to make sure your performance in your job doesn't suffer as a result of working from home.
I've worked in my role for over 2 years now, I like to think I'm really good at what I do, and about 2 months after returning to work my manager requested a performance appraisal. At this stage I was feeling confident about my work performance, Cooper hadn't yet been sick and I was producing good outcomes and staying on top of my work load. I guess I'm lucky that my manager has 3 young children, and he has always reiterated to me that family comes first, however I was shocked when he proceeded to tell me in my appraisal that he wanted me to look at management as a role I should take on in the future and offered me the chance to study through work to gain some professional development in the area. After that meeting, I felt valued, I was super confident that I could be a working mother and still spend the time I wanted to with Cooper and Simon, I felt like I had made the right decision to go back to work after 7 months.
Fast forward two weeks and Cooper gets his first serious cold and I have to take time off. A few days later it was gastro, a week later an inner ear infection and then just recently a bout of hand foot and mouth disease. The timing couldn't have been worse, I'd just had my performance appraisal, which came out glowing, and then without warning I was absent from the office at least 3 out of 5 days each week for a month due to the need to care for Cooper. It was then that I started to get frustrated, I wasn't sleeping well, I was emotional and I started to wonder why Simon couldn't once just take the day off to care for Cooper so I could get into the office and do some work.
I knew the answer, and the answer was this, even though Simon worked 3 jobs and continued to study, it's not that he couldn't take the day off, it's not that we knew he isn't entitled to carers leave and therefore didn't get paid on his days at home, it's that I had simply never thought to actually ask him to. I guess the MUM in me wants to be the one to nurse Cooper back to full health, I am the women who wanted to be a stay at home mum and I still take on that role even though I work full time. It made me wonder how many other working mums out there do this? and why? Is it the immense guilt we feel for having to work, not that that stacks up well against the immense guilt we feel for having to take the time off work to do it. I've come to the conclusion that no matter what you do, when you are a mother, regardless of whether you stay at home or go back to work, you ALWAYS feel guilty for something.
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| Mummy and Cooper on our way to work and day care |
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| The other side to working full time - is not having the time to clean Cooper's room |
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