To my 7 year old..... Happy Birthday Cooper

To the boy whole stole my heart 7 years ago, who changed the very core of who I thought I was, the boy who calls me mumma and wraps his arms around me and whispers I love you, to Cooper, Happy birthday.

This year you have grown so much, not just in height (but boy did you shoot up) but as a big brother and a friend. You still remain as loyal as a Labrador to you friends, sticking by them, standing up for them and resolving conflict for them. For you at 7, everything revolves around your friends, for me, you at 7 means running around arranging play dates, constantly in contact with other mums, chasing you between sporting commitments and packing mountains of food in your lunch box. For you at 7 it looks like Minecraft, BEGGING for Fortnight (but mum always saying no), iPad games, PS4 Infinity, nature documentaries, bikes, skateboards, footballs, Raiders, soccer and reading……. So much reading. You are smart. Gosh kid you are smart, you solves maths problems easily, and I often find myself giving you work a year above your level as homework just to keep it challenging. You can finish a book with easy before bed time and you absorb information like a sponge. While you still may be kind and sensitive you are also getting braver and more confident. School has helped you grow immensely, your teachers always tell me that you are an empathetic class leader and are always offering assistance to those that need it. You are in your element playing football and soccer and I just love watching you develop your skills and friendships outside of school.

You insisted on a minecraft cake for your party

You love to talk, every little detail that pops into your head comes out your mouth, but that’s what 7 is about. Poppy tells me you like the comfort of your sister when you stay at their place without us, you’ve always been more careful and considerate of your environment without us, I know one day that won’t be the case, so for now I enjoy that you take comfort still in my warm hugs.

Watching you and your brothers fills my heart. You’re not a full on as your sister is with them, but those moments I catch you playing trains with them, reading them stories and making them laugh fill my soul with joy. They could not have a better role model than you.

The bond you and your dad have melts my heart, he may be tougher on you than Zoe, but you are his absolute pride and joy, when you tackle hard, run hard and pedal fast he beams. When you play wrestle the belly laughs fill the house and it fills his heart.

Our lives changed when you were born, you made us different people, taught us to believe in something bigger and everything you do makes our lives richer. I love you with every fibre of my being. I smile when you are happy and cry when you are sad. I am loving every minute of being your mum, relishing the moments that I know won’t last forever. Happy birthday Cooper. We couldn’t be prouder of you.

Sometimes as a mum you only have time for a store bought cake and
smarties to decorate but you know whats great,
he couldn't have been happier. Whats even more beautiful is that he chose
this cake, because he knew his dad would eat some too.

 At 7 you:

Love – Going to Raiders games, hanging with your friends, iPad games, Reading, your grandparents visiting, Forster Holidays, Wrestling with your dad, LEGO and laughing at the twins when they copy you.

Hate – Capsicum, Onion, when Zoe won’t let you have a moment’s peace, going to bed at 7, waiting for Zoe to finish dancing and the smell of the boys nappies.

Play – Football for U7 Blue Warriors, Soccer for the Foxes, BMX at Canberra BMX club,

Your favourite food is – Nachos, Spag bol, Roast Chicken Legs and Berry crumble with yoghurt.

Your best friends are – Liam Carter, Lewis Kelsey and Paxton Cordwell

You have lost 5 teeth.

You are 129.5cm tall

You weigh 27 kilos

Carter, my youngest baby is 1

Carter,

My little serious snuggle bunny. You are one. I blinked and you’re one. My very last baby is now a toddler. One for you means lots of cuddles, talking to yourself in your cot before every sleep or nap long after your brother is asleep, big sloppy kisses and a cheeky grin, clapping hands whenever food is around or you've done something clever and sitting happily watching your brother get into mischief. 

You and Mason couldn’t be more different, and that is why we love you both. From the very start you were always going to be the more gentler soul, caring and thoughtful. You follow Zoe around cuddling her and she loves it. You take longer to warm to people and like the comfort of mummy’s arms in strange places. You look before you leap. I believe that all of this is true because if it wasn’t for your impatient brother you would have happily stayed snuggled up under my ribs for a few weeks in utero, I think that you are who you’ve been since the day you were conceived.

I honestly feel like it’s been a blur of a year. I remember so clearly the day (or should I say night) you arrived and how little and perfect you were, how long it took me to hold you and how I’ve never been so pleased to hear your cry. I remember my world standing still as you struggled for life with RSV. I remember feeling as though I was torturing you as Doctors and Nurses performed test after test on you. I remember holding your tiny hand through it all.

You are bigger than your brother, and while it took you a while to realise it, when you did you wouldn’t let him bully you anymore. You give as good as you get when you fight over toys, and now you use your size to beat him. I think you’ll always be my affectionate boy and I hope that you are.

Your dad has always been besotted by his kiddos, his pride when he introduced you and your brother to his dad was my favourite moment of that first week in the Special Care Nursery. He loves your cuddles, his heart leaps when you lay your head on his chest or he calms you when I simply can’t.  Your dad spends every Friday at home with you, one day I hope you know how special that is, how lucky you are to have such a hands on dad. 

I can’t believe how quickly you have grown, how lucky I am and how special our family feels with you as a part of it. My baby boy, you amaze me, you are my miracle boy.

Happy birthday Carter John Rushby. We love you.

Your Milestones:

You smiled at 19.7.17

You rolled:1.9.17

You laughed: 22.9.17

You crawled: 6.2.18

Your first word was Bub on 19.1.18

Your first tooth: 3.1.18

At One:

Favourite food – Spag Bol, but you also love greek yoghurt with banana mashed through it

Your favourite toy is: the pull along alligator, steering wheel toy and the toy cash register that sings

You have never slept through the night.... not ever!

You can say – mum, bub, dad, up and brrrrruuuummmm

You have: 6 teeth

You love: to bop to music, the warm hugs of your sister and mum

You have been in an emergency ambulance 2 times

You are: 73.2cm tall

You weigh: 11kg

Mason Francis Rusbhy.... 1 today!

Mason,

You are one. I blinked and you’re one. One for you means never stopping, and always being on the go, too busy to cuddle, never wanting to be still and forever demanding to be allowed outside and to taste everyone's food. 

From the very start you were always going to be your own person, do your own thing, stop for nobody. I have loved your independence, and your happy nature, I’ve love the beautiful moments we’ve shared alone but I’ve loved even more the moments we’ve shared with your siblings.

I honestly feel like it’s been a blur of a year. I remember so clearly the day (or should I say night) you arrived and how little and perfect you were. I remember the fear I felt bringing you home but how easy you made it for me. I remember how hard it was when you fell ill. I remember my heart stopping when your breathing did. I remember your little body fighting. I remember your tiny fingers wrapped around mine. I remember how strong you were and still are. 

You tease your brother. You love to snatch his toys and crawl after him when he’s doing something you want to do. I know you’ll be the kind of twin who always notes you are the eldest by 2 whole minutes. You’re going to be a leader.

Your dad has always been besotted by his kiddos, but his pride when he introduced you and your brother to his dad was my favourite moment of that first week with you in the Special Care Nursery. He loves your spirit, he loves the big deep belly laughs you give him when he tickles you with his beard.  Your dad spends every Friday at home with you,, one day I hope you know how special that is, how special you are and how he love you dearly. He still checks on you every night before bed as he did with your older brother and sister, worries over you being too hot, too cold.

Your arrival into our family has enriched so many peoples lives, mine more than anyone else. I’m so blessed to call you son, I'm so honored you call me mum.

Happy birthday Mason Francis Rushby. We love you.

Your Milestones:

You smiled at 19.7.17

You rolled:28.6.17

You laughed: 15.9.17

You crawled: 14.1.18

Your first word was Dada on 26.1.18

Your first tooth: 31.3.18

First steps: 13.5.18 - 7 steps in a row

At One:

Favourite food – you are not at all fussy, you love grilled Salmon and mashed potato, you’ll happily eat chickpeas and veggies, you definitely love weetbix.

Your favourite toy is: your walker, books and cars

You have slept through the night 1 time (4.5.18)

You can say – mum, bub, dad, up, woof, roar and brummmm

You love to point, clap and smile

You have: 5 teeth

You have been in an ambulance 2 times

You are: 73cm tall

You weigh: 10kg

Zoe is 5!

   

Zoe, affectionately nicknamed Poppet by your Dad; YOU ARE 5! 

The days turned to weeks, the weeks, to months the months to years, and now we are here!

Over the past 12 months your life has changed dramatically, but with every new change you embraced it, standing strong and true to yourself and proving to us that you are resilient, brave and smart beyond belief. 

The arrival of your twin baby brothers shortly after your birthday last year was the proudest moment of your short life. You genuinely treat those boys as if you birthed them. In fact i have heard you say "come to your other mummy boys"as I've roused on them for pulling on the PS4 cables for the hundredth time. I have never seen a more doting sibling. That first visit to the NICU to see them you beamed with absolute pride and since that day you are constantly kissing, cuddling and picking up the boys to move them from one activity to another. I often hear you say things like “its ok sweet heart, Zoe is here” or “oh darling, don’t cry sweet pea, I’m here now, it’ll be all OK”.  I have to remind you that being a sister is even better than being a mummy, but one day you’ll make a beautifully caring mother  Zoe, and as much as it frustrates me now I hope you will continue to have the boys backs as they grow older and more independent.  

This year you started school. The youngest in your class (and you will always be), I frequently checked in with your teacher and each and every time Miss Vance assures me that you lead class discussions, formed strong friendships and were not at all intimidated by the academics you were exposed to. You caught the bus home on your very first day and have been little miss independent since.  

You cannot and will not be coerced into anything that you don’t want to do. It’s a trait I both admire and despise right now. As I watch you playing with Cooper and his friends one afternoon they were unsuccessfully attempting to get you to do their dirty work and you held your ground, in fact I’ve been so inspired by your ability to stick up for others and yourself over the past year despite the age difference.  

In the short 5 years you’ve been mine your personality has been set in stone. You are just like me. Your Poppy Kay (as with all your grandparents) simply adores you and laughs openly, knowing exactly what I am in for into your teenage years. He loves your spirit, your brazen independence and the sweet side you bring out when you need to.  

Since sharing a room with Cooper I can see that your bond is strengthened, and while you do deliberately annoy one another I hear you comfort each other when I yell, you band together to plan how to get me to agree to something and you back each other’s white lies as to make the story more believable. He still protects you, but you in all your strength can now protect him, and you do.

  

When you become a mum you’ll realise how fleeting these years are, how quickly a child grows from baby to girl, from girl to woman. I’ve loved watching your transformation but I’m saddened that your childhood is moving so quickly. Gosh I love you darling daughter. Never stop being exactly who you are. 

At 5: 

You can: read simple readers, run faster and further than your big brother, do a handstand against the wall 

You hate: when Cooper says he wants quiet time away from you, onion, coldsores and having to use peppermint oil on them and you loath tomato skin

You love: performing, wearing your make up, your twin brothers, going to school and winning at everything. 

Your best friends are: Leah Cordwell, Willow Tank, Sophia Kay,  and Elsie and Rosie from kindergarten.

Your favourite food is: Sushi and Spaghetti Bol.  

Your favourite memory over the last year is: The day your baby brothers came home from hospital and when Oma came to the holiday house with us after Christmas. 

You weigh:  18.5kilo

You are:  109.5cm tall

You have: all your baby teeth

Sport: You play netball and Dance every week.

You and Sophia on your 5th birthday - currently obsessed with Harley Quinn

my village

If you're a mum, you would have heard the saying "it takes a village to raise a child" - I 100% agree with this statement, and I think for many years now women have been struggling through parenthood alone, feeling like it's one giant competition among other mothers about who does what best. For me, I found the start of my village 8 weeks after I had Cooper. I turned up to my first ever mothers group so nervous, anxious about how I would be judged for how I'd chosen to parent. I COULD NOT HAVE BEEN MORE WRONG.

For 7 years now these women have been the core of my village, along the way I've lost friends and  I've gained friends - this post is dedicated to those women in my village.

They say that in a crisis you will find out who your real friends are. In my crisis I discovered the power of my village. I discovered that all the oceans in all the world can't stop people from offering assistance. I discovered that there are people I did not know who cared more about helping me and my family than some of those I do know.

I discovered that strangers can be and often are generous beyond belief.

Lets go back a few weeks. My twin boys were newbies, I'd recently joined CARMBA (Canberra region multiple births association) and I stepped out of my comfort zone and met up for a coffee with my area representative Sarah H (my god is this woman a special kind of wonderful) and another (equally as special to me) new twin mum Sarah L. These women.... WOW.... I felt like I'd known them for years, they built me up, they answered all my silly questions and they left me feeling empowered.

Ok. So I'd met Sarah H one time, but what she did for me over the course of the next month is why I will forever call her a friend.

The boys got sick, very sick, I was torn from my family and thrust into a hospital for weeks tending to them.

Within days Sarah has contacted CARMBA and issued a call to arms, she arranged for my empty 150L chest freezer to be filled with meals for my family, she arranged other multi mums who owned cleaning businesses  to come and help my husband keep on top of washing, and general cleaning as he traveled back and forth between the hospital, school and home. I had care packages arriving at hospital and cups of coffee and real food and her talking me through everything, ensuring me it would be OK. This women coordinated an army of strangers to care for me and my family. I mean how awesome is that. Despite her having young twin girls herself she called and texted daily to ensure I was being looked after. I couldn't believe the selflessness of this woman. It was during these harrowing moments filled with hope from strangers that I knew that in the future I would pay it forward in whatever way I could. It was then that despite what I might be going through I knew that if Sarah needed me, I'd be there - just as she was for me.

My original village of mums, my 7 year strong mothers group also stood firm by my side. We shared tears and messages of strength, they put together the most beautiful care package filled with magazines, hand lotions, shampoos, word puzzles, jewelry and snacks to help keep my energy up.

Coopers class at school prayed daily for my boys, and his teacher arranged for donations of home made baked goods and lunch box fillers to find it's way to my house to help fill my older children.

An online group of American mums of babies born in June 2011 donated money to us, to a family they'd only ever seen online to us to help us. Another group flooded my facebook page with messages of hope. 

My BFF called daily. I know the pain she felt not being close enough to help, but she did anyway.

Over the years I've given up on a lot of friendships, friends that wouldn't celebrate my wins with me but rather harbored jealousy when I'd succeed, friends that competed with me at every turn, friends that only ever took but never gave. But for every friend I've let go I've found someone even more wonderful, women who build you up, who actively fill your cup when it's running on empty, who celebrate the journey you are taking in motherhood.

It's those mums who have children in the same class as yours. Those women who you meet through work who just inspire you to be better. It's strangers who open their heart at a coffee date set up through a facebook page.

My village are these people, and every single day I am thankful for them.

So to you, whoever might be reading this, I challenge you to stop and let others in. Meet those new mums from school, talk to the lady who just started in the office, go to those forced mothers groups for the first few weeks, take a leap of faith on a catch up created by a facebook group. These are the women who might form your village, and believe me when I say, one day when you need a friend they'll be there when others might not have.

xx

FIGHTING

After some time in NICU and then the SCN (special care nursery) exactly seven days after they were born, and on my 33rd birthday my boys were ready to go home. They'd learnt to latch, they were gaining weight beautifully and they were maintaining their body temperature like little champs.

Right now I want to take a moment to thank all the beautiful nurses in Calvary Hospitals SCN - honestly those women - they leave me speechless - I was genuinely in tears leaving them, they are absolute angels.

We were overjoyed to be home, no one more so than big sister Zoe, who took her big sister duties very very seriously.

For two weeks everything was smooth sailing, we adjusted to sleepless nights, feeding on demand, daycare and school drop offs and pick ups and I was healing really well from the surgery. I was on cloud nine. Life had given us the very best surprise and I was so thankful.

In the third week Mason developed a snotty nose, with other children in school it was bound to happen. Bugs were bound to be passed around. Here's the thing though; what is a common little runny nose for a 4 year old is a huge deal for a baby who isn't yet corrected to 40 weeks gestation.

After a night of nursing him, sleeplessly watching him struggle and feeling his every breath I saw my Doctor who suggested that if it got worse to seek emergency care.

A few hours later, back at home and in my arms Mason stopped breathing. It felt like an eternity between me stimulating him to take a breath in and I rushed him straight to ED where he continued to go in and out of apnoeic episodes on the resuss bed. Within moments Mason and I were in an ambulance headed to the High Care Paediatric unit at Canberra Hospital, with Carter and Simon following close behind in the car. The next few hours become a blur of tests, medical instruments and questions. Simon left me with Carter and headed home to make arrangements for Cooper and Zoe

I can't express to you how even re-writing these moments affects me now.

I remember as clear as day, it was just after 8 and after another apnoeic episode I asked the senior nurse on duty (her name was Heather) "he's going to be ok isn't he?" within moments of her reassuring me he stopped breathing, his oxygen levels dropped, his heart rate fell and as I screamed his name the GREEN EMERGENCY BUTTON ON THE WALL was pushed and  I was torn from the room while 15 other specialists ran in to save my sons life. I've never known time to stop. In that split second it was as if time stood still. In that very moment I did not think I would be leaving hospital with both my boys.

Eventually, as I was helped back into the room I saw my beautiful boy, a CPAP machine covering his most perfect tiny little face helping him breath. I couldn't hold him, I couldn't nurse him. As I watched his vitals monitor I held his brother praying. And I didn't stop all night.

What happened next is what my nightmares are made of now. Images and feelings burnt into my brain. What happens next tested me to my absolute emotional limit. What happens next still haunts me.

Through the night as I watched Mason and held Carter I'd asked a few times for the nurse to examine Carter, He didn't show the same symptoms as Mason had but something in my core wasn't right. To this day I harbour absolute distain for the doctor on duty that night. Despite the boys sharing the same bed at home, tandem feeding and being inseparable the doctor wouldn't look at Carter.

5 hours after I had to witness the resuscitation of my 3rd born, I was running from the ward to the emergency department with another lifeless baby. Carter had become unresponsive as he fed.

No one but multiple mums can understand the real heartbreak of not being able to divide yourself in two to be their 100% for both your babies. It's the hardest part of being a twin mum, and to this very day I still have trouble feeling like I am enough for both of them.

Carter was resuscitated in emergency on 3 occasions. As I screamed at the doctor I had emergency staff try to console me and offer me support. Fortunately Simons parents came to our rescue and Simon was able to rush to the hospital  to be firstly with me but then with Mason who was still FIGHTING alone upstairs.

As Carter was stabilised we were moved back into high care - the boys weren't able to share a room so Simon and I would swap every few hours and I would pump and pump and pump. You don't know your strength until it's tested.

Over the course of the next month their were many highs and lows. Carter endured lumbar punctures, EEGs on his brain, ultrasounds on his heart, test after test after test. We were told to monitor for seizures after they incorrectly dosed his antibiotics. There were moments every single day I was convinced i was leaving hospital without my babies.

The virus, RSV, saw the high care ward full every single day with new born babies for the duration of our stay.


Fortunately for us we were able to leave with our boys.

My boys are fighters.

Right from their very conception they have been fighting all the odds.

I'm so thankful to the staff who supported me and our family. I'm forever grateful to the friends near and far for all their support during this time.

My boys are fighters, and their Mumma will always fight along with them.To this day I encourage mums to listen to their hearts, evoke Ryans law and be the voice for your kids when they can't, because in my case it saved two lives.