So it's been a while since my last post. Life has been busy, the festive season always seems to send time spinning out of control, but this last month and a half has been crazy.
At around week 17 I finally felt our little baby wriggle, and by week 19 bub was getting in some very good kicking practise. It was around this time as well that i started to feel like a beautiful pregnant woman. I felt like I was well rested (no more constant toilet breaks during the night), full of energy (although starting to feel a bit breathless as I walked the 46 stairs it takes to get to my office) and absolutely glowing (perhaps it was the extra fat I was storing filling out my face that was creating that look). It was also around this time that I decided we would move Cooper out of his cot and nursery and into his big boy bed and room so I could start on recreating the nursery for the new addition. More on both Coopers transition into his new room and the new nursery later.
Simon and I had been at loggerheads in regards to finding out what we were having this time, and he blatantly refused to discuss names with me until we'd reached 20 weeks. I argued that he got to decide that we kept it a secret when we were pregnant with Cooper so as ultrasound day approached I dug my heels in and got my way, after all I wanted to go all out on the nursery once we knew. I knew in the end it didn't matter what we were having, as long as it was human (obviously), healthy and ours I knew we would love it to the moon and back. Secretly (well maybe not so secretly) I wanted a girl, Simon was convinced this would be our last baby (I was not as sure as he was), but as the ultrasound day grew closer and I spent more time watching Cooper play with his little mates from daycare and mothers group I realised having a second little boy would be just so special.
In hindsight I can say that my reasons for initially hoping for a girl were selfish. I dreamt of being mother of the bride, creating the same close relationship my mother and I have and just being able to sweep in as maternal grandma to my grandbabies just like my mum does with Cooper and not having to suffer through what I'm sure a lot of mother in laws do when a grandbaby arrives. I also hated the thought of having two daughters in law, who no doubtingly would replace me as my sons #1 girls when the time came.
It was the 9th of the December at 9:30am. Simon managed to get out of work for an hour or so to join me at the ultrasound. Having been through a morphology scan before I knew it was going to take around 45 mins and decided it might be best to leave Cooper with a friend rather than have him squirm and create havoc in our appointment. I also knew this was a bad idea because Simon and I had decided that besides our best friends we were keeping the gender a secret until Christmas day, which meant I needed to have my very best poker face on when I picked Cooper up after the scan.
As usual the technician scanned through all the most vital organs, checking and double checking. Our baby was perfect and when the time came for the technician to tell us what we were having I realised that I didn't care in the slightest about being a monster in law or mother the the groom twice, I looked at Simon and questioned whether we should still find out. He hardly had time to answer when the technician announced our baby was a precious little girl. I started sobbing. I knew I would have be ecstatic with another boy, but a baby girl, a daughter, and a little sister for Cooper was just too perfect and all I could think is that I had been blessed.
After the scan I sent a text immediately to my best friend, the excitement and joy was uncontainable and I knew there was no way I would be able to pick up Cooper without letting on. Fortunately Cooper was with a friend I could trust (well duh, she was minding my first born after all) and when I walked in and saw her I started to tear up again, "I'm going to have a daughter" and that was it I had let the cat out of the bag and she was sworn to secrecy until we announced it officially on Christmas day!
With the technician so confident of a little girl, I thought it would be fun to test out some old wives tales. We all know of them, fun little facts that supposedly can tell you if you are having a boy or a girl. Well here were my results:
Heart Beat - how it works: Old wives tales claim that in the first trimester a little girls heart beat will be faster than 140 beats per minute, while a boy will always be less than that. My result: GIRL - the heartbeat always sat around 160bpm for the first 3 months of this pregnancy.
Sweet V savoury - how it works: Old wives tales claim that cravings for certain foods can determine a baby's gender. Sweet = Girl, Savoury = Boy. What's the saying sugar and spice and all things nice? Well given all I can think about is chocolate and sugar I'd say my result on this is a GIRL.
Chinese Gender Charts: how it works: This chart uses your lunar age and the lunar month at the time of conception to predict whether you will have a son or daughter. The Chinese claim it is 99% accurate but for me my result revealed a BOY - so I guess I was one of the 1% that it didn't work for.
The Mayan gender chart: how it works: it's similar to the Chinese chart, only the Mayans determined the sex of the baby by taking the mother's age at conception, and the year of conception. If both are even or both are odd...it's a girl. If one is even and one odd it's a boy. Well they wrongfully predicted the world was going to end on the 21st of December 2012, but they got the gender right. My result: GIRL.
The Ring Test: how it works: you take a short length of string, thread your wedding band through it and drop it over your belly button, if it swings around in a circle you are pregnant with a boy, if it swings back and forth a girl. My result GIRL.
Morning Sickness: how it works: apparently the sicker you are the more chance you have of being pregnant with a girl. Well in comparison to my pregnancy with Cooper I was a thousand times sicker. My result GIRL.
Well it seems those old wives may have been on to something :)
Wednesday, 2 January 2013
Thursday, 8 November 2012
How did I become a mum?
You know as this new little miracle grows in my womb I start to think back on those early days with Cooper and I start to panic..... I don’t remember anything I did, what did my routine look like? How did I manage to know what he needed and when and how in God’s name did I stay on top of the housework?
How did I know that Cooper had wind, reflux, teething, was eating enough or was hot, cold or slightly constipated? How do you go from having held a baby only a few times in your life to knowing exactly what to do the moment he or she is placed in your arms for the very first time, with absolutely no fear?
The truth is the mother instinct is so strong in some that you just know. For me I felt like I had been a mother for years after the first week of Cooper life. I didn’t remember what it was like not to have him to care for or love, and that was OK by me, because once I held him in my arms I knew my life before he had been born was not whole.
I remember taking him to the Doctors and being told by 3 separate Doctors on 3 separate days that he did not have a chest infection, but I persisted until finally someone agreed, I remember saying “I do not care that my son seems happy enough right now, he is not himself, he is extremely unwell and he needs medical attention”, and what do you know we spent the night in hospital with suspected pneumonia. Its true mother does know best and don’t ever let anyone tell you any different. No doubt I have had help along the way, I have leaned on both my mother and mother-in-law for advice and having such a wonderful mothers group has been a blessing in the weeks where I didn’t think I could cope any longer, but in essence I have always done what I thought was the right thing to do based on pure gut instinct.
So now I stop to think, it doesn’t matter how many books you read, how hard you try to remember what you did last time, or how many mothers you speak to, Motherhood comes naturally, as you’ve read for me this was the case with Cooper and suddenly all the fears I have about not remembering what I need to do once this little one arrives have flown away and I know I will be the best mum I know how to be, just like I did the first time.
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| Rushby number 2 @ 13 weeks |
Thursday, 25 October 2012
nausea, nausea and more nausea, oh and throw in a side of exhuastion
It's early on in my pregnancy..... The very thought of food makes me want to throw up. The smell of it cooking, the taste, even the mere look of it is enough to make my stomach churn. I don't remember it ever being this bad when I was pregnant with Coops, and I certainly don't remember the need to actually throw up.
This time around everything seems different (in a harder kind of way), morning sickness struck early at 4 weeks 3 days, and from 7 weeks I started throwing up, not in the morning mind you (I bet my life savings that a man came up with the term morning sickness), it was evening sickness and it would strike anywhere after 2pm. It wasn't just the throwing up that seemed worse this time around either, I don't know if it is because I have Cooper to chase around after each day at work or if it is just worse this time around, but come the end of the day and I could fall asleep wherever I lay my head, literally; In the bath, at the table, on the floor or in front of the computer.
These things combined resulted in unproductivity around the house that rivalled the laziest of housewives, and my dearest hubby was left washing clothes, scrubbing vomit encrusted porcelain in the bathroom, vacuuming floors and feeding and bathing Cooper most nights. I felt bad for Simon, but mostly I was just thankful, being this sick was no fun and nothing I did would make it better. I tried every old wives tale, ginger tea and biscuits, nibbling on a dry piece of toast before getting out of bed in the morning, small frequent meals, nothing helped, I was doomed to be ill and exhausted forever!
They say only girls can make you feel this ill during pregnancy, they say that a baby girl sucks all the beauty and energy from their mother for themselves during that first trimester, I know only time will tell, but right now I'm thinking I'm going to have the words most energetic and beautiful girl welcomed into this world around April 27th 2013 because I don't remember ever looking or feeling as bad as I do right now!
Both my parents and in-laws have been wonderful these first few weeks, coming down to visit, entertaining Cooper while I take a much needed nap and helping with some housework Simon is not so great at, washing windows, mopping floors and scrubbing skirting boards and removing sticky finger prints from cupboard doors, walls and table legs.
It's now been 13 weeks and 4 days and although the exhaustion seems to have subsided, the nausea is still kicking my butt - however with the start of the second trimester comes a new optimism, I'm sure things are on the up, I just can't wait to get there!!!
This time around everything seems different (in a harder kind of way), morning sickness struck early at 4 weeks 3 days, and from 7 weeks I started throwing up, not in the morning mind you (I bet my life savings that a man came up with the term morning sickness), it was evening sickness and it would strike anywhere after 2pm. It wasn't just the throwing up that seemed worse this time around either, I don't know if it is because I have Cooper to chase around after each day at work or if it is just worse this time around, but come the end of the day and I could fall asleep wherever I lay my head, literally; In the bath, at the table, on the floor or in front of the computer.
These things combined resulted in unproductivity around the house that rivalled the laziest of housewives, and my dearest hubby was left washing clothes, scrubbing vomit encrusted porcelain in the bathroom, vacuuming floors and feeding and bathing Cooper most nights. I felt bad for Simon, but mostly I was just thankful, being this sick was no fun and nothing I did would make it better. I tried every old wives tale, ginger tea and biscuits, nibbling on a dry piece of toast before getting out of bed in the morning, small frequent meals, nothing helped, I was doomed to be ill and exhausted forever!
They say only girls can make you feel this ill during pregnancy, they say that a baby girl sucks all the beauty and energy from their mother for themselves during that first trimester, I know only time will tell, but right now I'm thinking I'm going to have the words most energetic and beautiful girl welcomed into this world around April 27th 2013 because I don't remember ever looking or feeling as bad as I do right now!
Both my parents and in-laws have been wonderful these first few weeks, coming down to visit, entertaining Cooper while I take a much needed nap and helping with some housework Simon is not so great at, washing windows, mopping floors and scrubbing skirting boards and removing sticky finger prints from cupboard doors, walls and table legs.
It's now been 13 weeks and 4 days and although the exhaustion seems to have subsided, the nausea is still kicking my butt - however with the start of the second trimester comes a new optimism, I'm sure things are on the up, I just can't wait to get there!!!
Tuesday, 23 October 2012
and a baby makes 4....
I decided that I had indeed taken things too far in my TTC journey when I realised I was planning tomorrow nights romp in my head as I lay in bed post coitus with my feet up in the air in the hope that gravity would help me fall pregnant. Or, when my hard working husband cracked a beer open and I bit his head off because his swimmers would be drunk that night, I was indeed completely irrational. It was time to step back from Dr Google and put down all the books and information and just wait and see.
I thought about discarding my OPKs and charting and just doing it the old fashioned way, by humping it out as often as my husband could take, but the control freak in me just couldn't. It's in my obsessive compulsive nature that I am organised and informed and the thought of leaving it to chance and missing my most fertile window kept me testing and temping.
Telling people you're trying.
As I'm sure many women will attest, the responses after telling family or friends you've been unsuccessfully trying are hard to take. Most will firstly tell you to "relax and it'll happen", and it's with a response like this that I have to restrain myself from punching them in the mouth. The other response is something like "Well, at least you have one child. Lots of people don't even have that". They are right, I do have one beautiful baby boy, we are incredibly lucky to have been blessed with him. I am thankful everyday for him. I am also aware that in the big scheme of things trying for a few months unsuccessfully is not a big deal, but the idea of only having one child was heartbreaking. To think that we would never have a sibling for Cooper ripped my heart out, hopefully that will never be a reality, but those thoughts as irrational as they may seem will always creep into my head the second I see a negative test.
It's a funny thing - with a first pregnancy it's all very secret, very few people tell anyone that they are trying the first time around, not to mention the 12 week wait to announce it all. The second time around however it seems far less secretive or private and it's easy to talk about with your closest, most non-judgemental friends. In fact, I honestly believe if you can trust you friends enough to confide in them without feeling that overwhelming pressure telling your families may bring it can be a huge relief when you find that you are struggling and need a shoulder to cry on for support.
Could it be Positive???????
It was cycle 5. We'd been given the all clear from my Doctor 2 weeks after my surgery to try again. We weren't expecting much this month, given all that had happened I was almost certain we wouldn't fall pregnant until after our trip to Hawaii (two months away). Simon played his last game of football for the season on Saturday the 25th of August, after a terrible season and a terrible month and a half I decided that I was going to go out and enjoy a few drinks (having not had a drink for so long I can't even remember) with my Hubby after the game. My conscience told me the responsible thing to do was to take a pregnancy test just for peace of mind. Simon was still in bed and as I tested and I had no intention of waking him to see a negative result. After I washed my face I looked down at the test, was that a second line? I stared at the test, holding it so close I could smell the urine. There was a second line. I screamed and told Simon to get up, he didn't, just replying "what?" I begged him to get up to look at the test, he looked at me and told me to calm down and bring the test to him. I was shaking, I could not believe there was a second line there. Simon looked at the test saying it is very faint ..... he didn't understand the concept of a line being a line, and kept telling me not to get my hopes up and that he would reserve all excitement until a doctor had confirmed it - how I loved my level headed husband, but as the line got darker I could see the hope in his eyes. To get a second opinion I took a picture of the test and sent it to my best friend - and her simple reply of "yep your pregnant" brought on another wave of tears!
Still shaking I get Cooper up, get him dressed and head to the chemist up the road to get more tests. I took seven tests in all ($47.00 worth in total), all revealing positive.... I sat down and cried, I could not be happier and once I composed myself I called my doctor and he agreed to see me straight away given my recent complications and past thyroid results.
I think my doctor was almost as excited as I was, he was very quick to congratulate me and told me there was no point in confirming it with a blood test seeing as though all seven tests were clearly positive, but took blood to run all the normal pregnancy related tests and to double check on my thyroid activity.
The next 3 days took forever, just waiting for the test results and in the end, and in true Helene and impatient fashion I called him. It was good, no wait, it was GREAT news. All my blood work came back clear and my thyroid levels were completely normal. Simon had no choice but to be excited now and I promptly did a little happy dance around the lounge room!
Keeping it secret was hard - I wanted to shout from the roof tops, post all over facebook and call every one of my closest friends - but I didn't, instead we opted to tell our parents and our closest friends but no one else until our ultrasound at 12 weeks. However is his excitement of being a Dad again, Simon couldn't help himself, spilling his guts at work, which meant it wouldn't take long for word to spread through my work place (the down side of working in elite sport in Canberra - everyone knows everyone). In an attempt to save my boss the embarrassment of finding out via the sporting grapevine I decided to confine in him and our administrator.
At what I thought was 12 weeks 3 days I headed off with Hubby and Cooper in tow to meet our new baby. Within moments we were given the news we were actually 13 weeks 3 days along and the baby was perfectly healthy!
I thought about discarding my OPKs and charting and just doing it the old fashioned way, by humping it out as often as my husband could take, but the control freak in me just couldn't. It's in my obsessive compulsive nature that I am organised and informed and the thought of leaving it to chance and missing my most fertile window kept me testing and temping.
Telling people you're trying.
As I'm sure many women will attest, the responses after telling family or friends you've been unsuccessfully trying are hard to take. Most will firstly tell you to "relax and it'll happen", and it's with a response like this that I have to restrain myself from punching them in the mouth. The other response is something like "Well, at least you have one child. Lots of people don't even have that". They are right, I do have one beautiful baby boy, we are incredibly lucky to have been blessed with him. I am thankful everyday for him. I am also aware that in the big scheme of things trying for a few months unsuccessfully is not a big deal, but the idea of only having one child was heartbreaking. To think that we would never have a sibling for Cooper ripped my heart out, hopefully that will never be a reality, but those thoughts as irrational as they may seem will always creep into my head the second I see a negative test.
It's a funny thing - with a first pregnancy it's all very secret, very few people tell anyone that they are trying the first time around, not to mention the 12 week wait to announce it all. The second time around however it seems far less secretive or private and it's easy to talk about with your closest, most non-judgemental friends. In fact, I honestly believe if you can trust you friends enough to confide in them without feeling that overwhelming pressure telling your families may bring it can be a huge relief when you find that you are struggling and need a shoulder to cry on for support.
Could it be Positive???????
It was cycle 5. We'd been given the all clear from my Doctor 2 weeks after my surgery to try again. We weren't expecting much this month, given all that had happened I was almost certain we wouldn't fall pregnant until after our trip to Hawaii (two months away). Simon played his last game of football for the season on Saturday the 25th of August, after a terrible season and a terrible month and a half I decided that I was going to go out and enjoy a few drinks (having not had a drink for so long I can't even remember) with my Hubby after the game. My conscience told me the responsible thing to do was to take a pregnancy test just for peace of mind. Simon was still in bed and as I tested and I had no intention of waking him to see a negative result. After I washed my face I looked down at the test, was that a second line? I stared at the test, holding it so close I could smell the urine. There was a second line. I screamed and told Simon to get up, he didn't, just replying "what?" I begged him to get up to look at the test, he looked at me and told me to calm down and bring the test to him. I was shaking, I could not believe there was a second line there. Simon looked at the test saying it is very faint ..... he didn't understand the concept of a line being a line, and kept telling me not to get my hopes up and that he would reserve all excitement until a doctor had confirmed it - how I loved my level headed husband, but as the line got darker I could see the hope in his eyes. To get a second opinion I took a picture of the test and sent it to my best friend - and her simple reply of "yep your pregnant" brought on another wave of tears!
Still shaking I get Cooper up, get him dressed and head to the chemist up the road to get more tests. I took seven tests in all ($47.00 worth in total), all revealing positive.... I sat down and cried, I could not be happier and once I composed myself I called my doctor and he agreed to see me straight away given my recent complications and past thyroid results.
I think my doctor was almost as excited as I was, he was very quick to congratulate me and told me there was no point in confirming it with a blood test seeing as though all seven tests were clearly positive, but took blood to run all the normal pregnancy related tests and to double check on my thyroid activity.
The next 3 days took forever, just waiting for the test results and in the end, and in true Helene and impatient fashion I called him. It was good, no wait, it was GREAT news. All my blood work came back clear and my thyroid levels were completely normal. Simon had no choice but to be excited now and I promptly did a little happy dance around the lounge room!
Keeping it secret was hard - I wanted to shout from the roof tops, post all over facebook and call every one of my closest friends - but I didn't, instead we opted to tell our parents and our closest friends but no one else until our ultrasound at 12 weeks. However is his excitement of being a Dad again, Simon couldn't help himself, spilling his guts at work, which meant it wouldn't take long for word to spread through my work place (the down side of working in elite sport in Canberra - everyone knows everyone). In an attempt to save my boss the embarrassment of finding out via the sporting grapevine I decided to confine in him and our administrator.
At what I thought was 12 weeks 3 days I headed off with Hubby and Cooper in tow to meet our new baby. Within moments we were given the news we were actually 13 weeks 3 days along and the baby was perfectly healthy!
Saturday, 1 September 2012
The wonderful world of Toddlers
It's been a while since my last entry. It's been a busy month. recovering from surgery, planning a family holiday to Hawaii, work and looking after my family have kept me very occupied! My little baby boy, is now unequivocally, without doubt a cheeky toddler, and a funny little one at that. He is strong willed, bold and has his mothers batty personality. Like me, Cooper has developed some unique idiosyncrasies, including the need to put everything he plays with back exactly where he found it, or when he has finished with his food, he will pick up any little crumbs or left overs and place them back into the bowl so his tray is clean. I'm sure though like many things, that this is just a phase, and soon enough he'll be dropping his clothes, towels and toys on the floor only top be harped on to pick them up and leaving the table with his plate, knife and fork behind for his mum to clear!
It astounds me how quickly toddlers decide that they no longer need their parents to assist them to get things done. Now Cooper is walking, climbing and insisting he feeds himself he need only point at what it is that he wants, grunt or make a sound that sounds something like the name of the object, I get it for him and that's that. Not only that, but just recently he will tell me "no, all done"when he has finished with whatever it is that he was eating or drinking. He cheekily tells me "shoosh" and puts a finger to his lips when we get ready for a nap and don't even get me started on the dancing that takes place when we put the iPod on.
It is these moments that make being a mum (or dad) the most precious gift in the world. There is nothing that can describe the joy that comes with watching your child develop, learn and play, especially when they discover something new that their ilttle bodies are capable of.
Cooper has recently discovered jumping. It's the cutest little site to see. He swings his whole body in a motion with his arms but his feet don't ever leave the ground, whether it be jumping into a pool or just at home around the house - but the grin that follows is priceless.
Development wise I was told recently that by 18 months old Coopers vocabulary should be somewhere between 10 and 30 words, naturally when I heard this I panicked. Cooper although communicating what he wants well, through pointing and understanding when you ask him to pick up his toys, or bring you a specific book, he does not have 10-30 words. After speaking to Coopers child care educators they assured me Cooper was developing perfectly and that this kind of goal just creates more guilt and panic amongst parents, and it's not like we don't already put enough pressure on ourselves. Cooper, like most boys is a physical little thing, able to catch a ball, throw, kick and run as well as any 2 year old. He has developed his motor skills at a rapid pace and as such I suppose his verbal ability has come in second. Some research suggests that children fall into 1 of 2 categories, physical or verbal early on but eventually even out over the next 2 years. I suppose we will just have to really focus on reading with him if we hope to have 30 words by December!
It astounds me how quickly toddlers decide that they no longer need their parents to assist them to get things done. Now Cooper is walking, climbing and insisting he feeds himself he need only point at what it is that he wants, grunt or make a sound that sounds something like the name of the object, I get it for him and that's that. Not only that, but just recently he will tell me "no, all done"when he has finished with whatever it is that he was eating or drinking. He cheekily tells me "shoosh" and puts a finger to his lips when we get ready for a nap and don't even get me started on the dancing that takes place when we put the iPod on.
It is these moments that make being a mum (or dad) the most precious gift in the world. There is nothing that can describe the joy that comes with watching your child develop, learn and play, especially when they discover something new that their ilttle bodies are capable of.
Cooper has recently discovered jumping. It's the cutest little site to see. He swings his whole body in a motion with his arms but his feet don't ever leave the ground, whether it be jumping into a pool or just at home around the house - but the grin that follows is priceless.
Development wise I was told recently that by 18 months old Coopers vocabulary should be somewhere between 10 and 30 words, naturally when I heard this I panicked. Cooper although communicating what he wants well, through pointing and understanding when you ask him to pick up his toys, or bring you a specific book, he does not have 10-30 words. After speaking to Coopers child care educators they assured me Cooper was developing perfectly and that this kind of goal just creates more guilt and panic amongst parents, and it's not like we don't already put enough pressure on ourselves. Cooper, like most boys is a physical little thing, able to catch a ball, throw, kick and run as well as any 2 year old. He has developed his motor skills at a rapid pace and as such I suppose his verbal ability has come in second. Some research suggests that children fall into 1 of 2 categories, physical or verbal early on but eventually even out over the next 2 years. I suppose we will just have to really focus on reading with him if we hope to have 30 words by December!
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| Cooper and Simon reading a book |
Monday, 9 July 2012
Another BFN and a hospital trip
With the second cycle the anticipation of testing and the 2WW wasn't so bad, and the thought of the sting of another negative test didn't seem so painful, in fact after the first I decided I should choose to expect it rather than sitting there watching the pee stick with hope for two pink lines, instead I would leave the room and choose pessimism, knowing that only the one line would show up - which for me is a far cry from my usual positive outlook on life.
One the 2nd of July I started experiencing some mild cramping followed by a small amount of spotting, I was convinced (or I should say rather hopeful) it was implantation bleeding, but was shot down pretty quickly when I posted the below image of my chart and asked fellow trying to conceive mums on the bump.com, with almost everyone saying that 5 DPO (days past ovulation) was too early for implantation to occur and it seemed highly unlikely that I would have even ovulated yet given I hadn't really seen a surge in my basal body temperature (BTT) They may have been right, it seemed that this month my body decided to change the goal posts and rather than ovulating on CD 11 as in the previous 5 months, it waited till CD 15.
What the Hell!
I was upset and disappointed, another month down and what I'm sure was going to be another negative test awaited.
It was 7am 10 DPO. I decided that even though I knew it was going to be negative I should take the test, I took it, put it down and headed straight in to wake Cooper up, knowing that regardless of what the test revealed this month I had one beautiful baby boy already in my arms.
Another BFN........... I was wrong the sting of the result hurt just as much this month, and I started crying.
After speaking with a close friend, who swore it helped her relax while TTC I booked in for my first acupuncture session. From all accounts acupuncture is supposed to be one of the best non-medicated medicines to help conception as it is said to relax you and to help regulate your hormones and thus, in turn regulate your cycles.
At 13 DPO and Day 28 of my cycle I still had not had a visit from Aunt Flow, I started to feel frustrated, was I or wasn't I. To make matters worse I was feeling small twinges and had felt nauseous the night before. Another negative test but a 3 day late period - that's just unfair, my body was now playing games with me. How after 6+ months of regular 25 day cycles did it just decide that it would change now, and to be out by so many days was completely uncharacteristic for me?! Was it the acupuncture? After one session had my body responded by lengthening it's luteal phase, or simply not menstrating?
Fortunately I didn't have to wait long to wait as I had booked my second acupuncture appointment 2 days later. Now on CD 30 and still no sign of an approaching period I had a bevy of questions:
The technician did a quick sweep and couldn't find anything drastically out of the norm and encouraged me to head up to the hospital if the pain did not improve. I did just that. I was admitted instantly, put on an IV of morphine as they ran a plethetude of tests to try to isolate the cause of the pain. Eventually I was told there was a possibility that I was suffering from an ectopic pregnancy. I was scared and emotional, but with my husband by my side I knew I would be ok.
They took me in for surgery that night, and the next morning I woke with 3 new holes in my body, but the cramping had stopped. I was discharged later that day and sent home with panadine forte and told not to drive, lift or exhurt myself too much for 4-6 weeks. I was devastated that I could not hold and lift my baby boy.
At around 6pm I took the first two pain killers, I threw them up violently, and it did not stop there, I proceeded to be ill every 15 mins for the next hour, straining and clenching my already very tender stomach before I begged my mum (who had come down to help with Cooper) and my husband to take me back to emergency. I could not stop shaking, they placed me on another morphine drip and admitted me back into the short stay unit. After 24 hours of pain relief and medication to stop me from throwing up, I was sent up to the wards where I would spend at least another night.
After 3 nights in hospital I was discharged. I'm happy to report that I am feeling much better. Still a little sore and emotional, but better.
After my time in hospital I spent a week recovering at home. My darling husband by my side, lifting his weight and mine around the house ensuring that I didn’t lift anything heavier than a feather and making sure Cooper was well tended to. Around the 3rd day at home I received a phone call from my Dr. He had a few more of the blood test results back, and it was a shock to both of us when he told me my thyroid was underactive. I didn’t quite understand at first, I’ve always been so healthy and aside for feeling a little lethargic over the past few months (which I had out down to being back at work and juggling an ever so active toddler) I had no symptoms.
Stupidly I jumped straight on Dr Google, and in no more than 5 mins I was in tears, some of the impacts on my life could include, uncontrollable weight gain (oh perfect – just what I wanted to hear), depression, but the most horrible of all included infertility, the inability to carry a healthy baby to term or the possibility of birth defects or autism. It seemed that getting medication also took some work, with it often taking months to get the dosage right.
I was devastated; my dream of having 2 under 2 was slipping away so quickly, I can’t explain how heart breaking it was. I was truly gutted, not only had we suffered enough with my time in hospital, an operation and subsequent “pelvic rest”, but now something that could not be controlled by any means other than blood tests and medication. My husband begged me to focus on what is most important, getting my health back on track, which in turn would ensure that any future pregnancies would run smoothly, with the unborn child being a healthy weight and perfect just like Cooper.
Thanks to all the love I received from my June 2011 mummas on FB and all my dearest friends and family for your support during this time.
One the 2nd of July I started experiencing some mild cramping followed by a small amount of spotting, I was convinced (or I should say rather hopeful) it was implantation bleeding, but was shot down pretty quickly when I posted the below image of my chart and asked fellow trying to conceive mums on the bump.com, with almost everyone saying that 5 DPO (days past ovulation) was too early for implantation to occur and it seemed highly unlikely that I would have even ovulated yet given I hadn't really seen a surge in my basal body temperature (BTT) They may have been right, it seemed that this month my body decided to change the goal posts and rather than ovulating on CD 11 as in the previous 5 months, it waited till CD 15.
What the Hell!
I was upset and disappointed, another month down and what I'm sure was going to be another negative test awaited.
It was 7am 10 DPO. I decided that even though I knew it was going to be negative I should take the test, I took it, put it down and headed straight in to wake Cooper up, knowing that regardless of what the test revealed this month I had one beautiful baby boy already in my arms.
Another BFN........... I was wrong the sting of the result hurt just as much this month, and I started crying.
After speaking with a close friend, who swore it helped her relax while TTC I booked in for my first acupuncture session. From all accounts acupuncture is supposed to be one of the best non-medicated medicines to help conception as it is said to relax you and to help regulate your hormones and thus, in turn regulate your cycles.
At 13 DPO and Day 28 of my cycle I still had not had a visit from Aunt Flow, I started to feel frustrated, was I or wasn't I. To make matters worse I was feeling small twinges and had felt nauseous the night before. Another negative test but a 3 day late period - that's just unfair, my body was now playing games with me. How after 6+ months of regular 25 day cycles did it just decide that it would change now, and to be out by so many days was completely uncharacteristic for me?! Was it the acupuncture? After one session had my body responded by lengthening it's luteal phase, or simply not menstrating?
Fortunately I didn't have to wait long to wait as I had booked my second acupuncture appointment 2 days later. Now on CD 30 and still no sign of an approaching period I had a bevy of questions:
- Can acupuncture throw off your cycle
- Will this mean my next cycle is completely out of whack too
- Does the lack of a period mean I didn't ovulate
The technician did a quick sweep and couldn't find anything drastically out of the norm and encouraged me to head up to the hospital if the pain did not improve. I did just that. I was admitted instantly, put on an IV of morphine as they ran a plethetude of tests to try to isolate the cause of the pain. Eventually I was told there was a possibility that I was suffering from an ectopic pregnancy. I was scared and emotional, but with my husband by my side I knew I would be ok.
They took me in for surgery that night, and the next morning I woke with 3 new holes in my body, but the cramping had stopped. I was discharged later that day and sent home with panadine forte and told not to drive, lift or exhurt myself too much for 4-6 weeks. I was devastated that I could not hold and lift my baby boy.
At around 6pm I took the first two pain killers, I threw them up violently, and it did not stop there, I proceeded to be ill every 15 mins for the next hour, straining and clenching my already very tender stomach before I begged my mum (who had come down to help with Cooper) and my husband to take me back to emergency. I could not stop shaking, they placed me on another morphine drip and admitted me back into the short stay unit. After 24 hours of pain relief and medication to stop me from throwing up, I was sent up to the wards where I would spend at least another night.
After 3 nights in hospital I was discharged. I'm happy to report that I am feeling much better. Still a little sore and emotional, but better.
After my time in hospital I spent a week recovering at home. My darling husband by my side, lifting his weight and mine around the house ensuring that I didn’t lift anything heavier than a feather and making sure Cooper was well tended to. Around the 3rd day at home I received a phone call from my Dr. He had a few more of the blood test results back, and it was a shock to both of us when he told me my thyroid was underactive. I didn’t quite understand at first, I’ve always been so healthy and aside for feeling a little lethargic over the past few months (which I had out down to being back at work and juggling an ever so active toddler) I had no symptoms.
Stupidly I jumped straight on Dr Google, and in no more than 5 mins I was in tears, some of the impacts on my life could include, uncontrollable weight gain (oh perfect – just what I wanted to hear), depression, but the most horrible of all included infertility, the inability to carry a healthy baby to term or the possibility of birth defects or autism. It seemed that getting medication also took some work, with it often taking months to get the dosage right.
I was devastated; my dream of having 2 under 2 was slipping away so quickly, I can’t explain how heart breaking it was. I was truly gutted, not only had we suffered enough with my time in hospital, an operation and subsequent “pelvic rest”, but now something that could not be controlled by any means other than blood tests and medication. My husband begged me to focus on what is most important, getting my health back on track, which in turn would ensure that any future pregnancies would run smoothly, with the unborn child being a healthy weight and perfect just like Cooper.
Thanks to all the love I received from my June 2011 mummas on FB and all my dearest friends and family for your support during this time.
Sunday, 8 July 2012
If I hear "just relax"one more time......
Charting
20.3.12
Around 6 weeks post partum I unfortunately experienced my first period, since then my cycle has been very regular and for the past month I've been actively charting my body temperature using a digital thermometer and recording results ever day using the Fertility Friend iPhone app. Today is day CD9 of my cycle and my bulk order of ovulation tests (OPKs) arrived (you would be surprised to see how excited I was by this). So along with recording my body temperature first thing in the morning I also used the test around 2pm and again at 8pm and both revealed a negative result. CD10 was a false positive, CD11 positive and CD12 negative. For four months I charted this way and every month was the same, I was excited, knowing that my body seemed to be back in working order, and even more excited that it seemed to be running like clockwork, as such I couldn't help but feel really positive about our chances to conceive without seeing too many months go by with negative pregnancy tests. But only time would tell.
The Time has Come....
At around the time Cooper turned one Simon and I sat down and had a chat about where we saw ourselves in the next few years. The usual topics raised their heads and were discussed, money, houses, study, work and Cooper's education and needs, but a the topic of extending our family was the one that took front row and centre. We've been saving for our own place for about a year now and putting ourselves into good positions with work, but did all that matter any more? I guess we had to determine what was most important to us, because as many people would know the cost of two in childcare (~$1,250 a fortnight for 4 days a week, or $1,400 for full time) and the amount you pay off an average mortgage (~$1,450 a fortnight) is almost impossible to achieve in Canberra for the average family without compromising on enjoying life or being able to do things, like holiday as a family. After a while we decided that owing a home could wait, but having children and being able to spend the time and money we'd like on them couldn't.
It was time to start trying.
As any woman would a test the 10-14 day or TWW (two week wait) to take a pregnancy test is torture. It's the only thing that is on your mind, it's the time when all of a sudden all you can see are pregnant woman around you. I know that stress and anxiety is not conducive for conception, but how can someone remain rational and calm when they want something so badly and they know that in 10-14 days they will know whether their biggest dream has come true? For me trying for our second baby corrupted my every thought, when cooking dinner I was careful about what I cooked and how, when I exercise I was careful not to lift weights above my head or get my heart rate or body temperature too high and when I was cleaning, well let's just say Simon did a lot more cleaning than normal just so I didn't have to inhale any nasty chemicals....... all because there was a slight chance that I could be pregnant. To make matters worse all I could think about was how easily we fell pregnant with Cooper and whether we would be lucky enough to experience that again. My head was telling me not to get my hopes up, that my body was still adjusting to life after carrying and feeding Cooper, but my heart was was filled with hope and I knew that I would be heart broken with each month that passed with a negative result.
I remember when I was pregnant with Cooper I followed every rule in the rule book, and when I have talked about how I thought I'd be second time round I thought I'd be a little more relaxed. The truth is, I don't think I will be. I guess during a first pregnancy you are a little sheltered, everything is new and exciting and people are considerate enough not to tell you the horror labour stories or heartbreaking miscarriages or still births they know about. A second pregnancy, I would imagine is harder, you are much more wise, and no longer sheltered, you know what to expect and the stories of still births and miscarriages that people have told you over the last 12 months haunt you. How can you ever really relax after hearing such heartbreaking stories! YOU CAN'T! Anyway, I digress, and I'll be sure to pick up that discussion later on, but for now, what we all want to know is how I am going to cope this next week and a half.....
Phantom symptoms or the real deal....
With each morning I wake up concentrating hard on what my body is telling me today. Does it feel different, are my boobs a little more tender, do I feel more tired than usual??? and then I stop and compose myself, I sound crazy right? The truth is with Cooper I knew before I ever took a test, my body was different, I felt different and I suppose that's what I'm thinking about most now, but wanting something so badly can make you think all kinds of things and I could convince myself either way if I allowed myself to. Fortunately I have Cooper to distract me of a morning, my perfect, healthy baby boy and the apple of my eye demands my attention the instant 7am clicks over on the clock and at east for the next 40-60mins I'm pre-occupied preparing him for the day ahead. Unfortunately if I don't have a hectic day at work my mind wanders again and I start to drive myself crazy.and I found myself 7 days past ovulation in tears because even though I hadn't taken a test I knew that this wasn't the month for us. It hasn't helped that Cooper has had the worst week in the history of his short life. I haven't had a good solid sleep in what feels like weeks, I am averaging 3 hours a night and not only has being tired made me feel overwhelmingly emotional but I'm worried about what the lack of sleep is doing to my conception chances.
my 1st BFN..............12.6.12
10 Days past ovulation I took a test. I was right, it was a big fat negative. I was upset and angry, why did I let myself get my hopes up. Having never had experienced a negative test it's a horrible feeling, you feel like you're empty, like you've lost a piece of yourself that you never really had. I felt like a I was mourning a loss. It was irrational, how could I honestly expect to fall pregnant first time round again, it was never going to happen. However, that didn't make me feel any better, and trying to fall pregnant brought out a lot of emotions I never thought I had.... envy being one of them. To make matters worse I seemed to be hearing about new pregnancies that occurred by accident everyday, to learn of someone saying they weren't trying for a baby or they hadn't really wanted a 2nd or 3rd is NOT what a woman who is desperately trying to conceive wants to hear! I am lucky in that one of my newest and now closest friends was also trying to conceive their 2nd bub and was having difficulty as well, and so every negative test, or highly charged emotional day we could lean on each other and keep each other positive, but not only that, we could bitch and groan about all the "accidental" pregnancies that cross our war paths.
Thinking more about it now as I post, even though being pregnant far out ways getting a negative result I am glad that it was, not because I don't want to be pregnant, but because I feel like a lot of pressure has been lifted. I was making myself sick thinking about falling pregnant, and the pressure I was putting on myself and my body to fall pregnant straight away was not healthy. Now like most women I know what it feels like to be disappointed, but I also feel like this next cycle I will be more relaxed, knowing that it's not the end of the world to get a negative result (don't quote me on that - in 11 months time if I'm still baby less I may think differently)
And so it was back to taking temps and ovulation tests. In the mean time I scheduled an appointment for a check up with the sexual health and family planning centre, and I would encourage all women who are trying for a baby to do this.
This may be over share for some of the men who follow this blog, or even family members who check in on the odd occasion (I'm talking about you Dad) but as silly as it sounds I asked all kinds of questions, from whether or not certain lubricants can have adverse affects on the mobility of my husbands swimmers (good news is they don't and in fact you can purchase an American Brand called pre seed that is said to help mimic the environment that supports sperm), to the best timing (2-3am - so set your alarms ladies), positions (we all know this one, I don't think I need to spell it out) and how often doing the deed was recommended to produce healthy sperm and thus giving us the best chances of conceiving. It was the best 30 min consultation I've ever had lying down with a speculum and giant light shining up my hoo haa. To top off a great consultation the nurse said I had one of the healthiest cervix she'd seen, now I'm not sure what an unhealthy cervix looks like, but YAY for mine being fit and fabulous!
Patience is a virtue
Patience is not one of my strong points, ask any one of my family or friends.... In fact, when I decide that I am going to do something, I do it, there's no ifs, buts or maybes, I give 110%, all or nothing, and trying to conceive again was no different. I decided that I had indeed taken things too far when I realised I was planning my next blog post in my head as I lay in bed post coitus with my feet up in the air in the hope that gravity would help me fall pregnant. In fact I'm so impatient that just one day after my first negative test I jumped on line and found a book titled "The impatient woman's guide to getting pregnant" . Now (after impatiently awaiting it's arrival) I am reading up on the importance of diet, sleep and healthy living in conception, but also learning some great techniques to stop my determination and focus on having another baby from developing into a serious case of obsessive compulsive fixation. The book, which claims to be based on many different research studies also provides me the ammunition should anyone dare to tell me "just relax and it'll happen", it claims that thinking about conception and planning a pregnancy using ovulation tests and timing only increases the chances of it happening because you are listening to your body and reading its signals. HA! I knew I wasn't going over the top!
So now it's back on the job.
20.3.12
Around 6 weeks post partum I unfortunately experienced my first period, since then my cycle has been very regular and for the past month I've been actively charting my body temperature using a digital thermometer and recording results ever day using the Fertility Friend iPhone app. Today is day CD9 of my cycle and my bulk order of ovulation tests (OPKs) arrived (you would be surprised to see how excited I was by this). So along with recording my body temperature first thing in the morning I also used the test around 2pm and again at 8pm and both revealed a negative result. CD10 was a false positive, CD11 positive and CD12 negative. For four months I charted this way and every month was the same, I was excited, knowing that my body seemed to be back in working order, and even more excited that it seemed to be running like clockwork, as such I couldn't help but feel really positive about our chances to conceive without seeing too many months go by with negative pregnancy tests. But only time would tell.
The Time has Come....
At around the time Cooper turned one Simon and I sat down and had a chat about where we saw ourselves in the next few years. The usual topics raised their heads and were discussed, money, houses, study, work and Cooper's education and needs, but a the topic of extending our family was the one that took front row and centre. We've been saving for our own place for about a year now and putting ourselves into good positions with work, but did all that matter any more? I guess we had to determine what was most important to us, because as many people would know the cost of two in childcare (~$1,250 a fortnight for 4 days a week, or $1,400 for full time) and the amount you pay off an average mortgage (~$1,450 a fortnight) is almost impossible to achieve in Canberra for the average family without compromising on enjoying life or being able to do things, like holiday as a family. After a while we decided that owing a home could wait, but having children and being able to spend the time and money we'd like on them couldn't.
It was time to start trying.
As any woman would a test the 10-14 day or TWW (two week wait) to take a pregnancy test is torture. It's the only thing that is on your mind, it's the time when all of a sudden all you can see are pregnant woman around you. I know that stress and anxiety is not conducive for conception, but how can someone remain rational and calm when they want something so badly and they know that in 10-14 days they will know whether their biggest dream has come true? For me trying for our second baby corrupted my every thought, when cooking dinner I was careful about what I cooked and how, when I exercise I was careful not to lift weights above my head or get my heart rate or body temperature too high and when I was cleaning, well let's just say Simon did a lot more cleaning than normal just so I didn't have to inhale any nasty chemicals....... all because there was a slight chance that I could be pregnant. To make matters worse all I could think about was how easily we fell pregnant with Cooper and whether we would be lucky enough to experience that again. My head was telling me not to get my hopes up, that my body was still adjusting to life after carrying and feeding Cooper, but my heart was was filled with hope and I knew that I would be heart broken with each month that passed with a negative result.
I remember when I was pregnant with Cooper I followed every rule in the rule book, and when I have talked about how I thought I'd be second time round I thought I'd be a little more relaxed. The truth is, I don't think I will be. I guess during a first pregnancy you are a little sheltered, everything is new and exciting and people are considerate enough not to tell you the horror labour stories or heartbreaking miscarriages or still births they know about. A second pregnancy, I would imagine is harder, you are much more wise, and no longer sheltered, you know what to expect and the stories of still births and miscarriages that people have told you over the last 12 months haunt you. How can you ever really relax after hearing such heartbreaking stories! YOU CAN'T! Anyway, I digress, and I'll be sure to pick up that discussion later on, but for now, what we all want to know is how I am going to cope this next week and a half.....
Phantom symptoms or the real deal....
With each morning I wake up concentrating hard on what my body is telling me today. Does it feel different, are my boobs a little more tender, do I feel more tired than usual??? and then I stop and compose myself, I sound crazy right? The truth is with Cooper I knew before I ever took a test, my body was different, I felt different and I suppose that's what I'm thinking about most now, but wanting something so badly can make you think all kinds of things and I could convince myself either way if I allowed myself to. Fortunately I have Cooper to distract me of a morning, my perfect, healthy baby boy and the apple of my eye demands my attention the instant 7am clicks over on the clock and at east for the next 40-60mins I'm pre-occupied preparing him for the day ahead. Unfortunately if I don't have a hectic day at work my mind wanders again and I start to drive myself crazy.and I found myself 7 days past ovulation in tears because even though I hadn't taken a test I knew that this wasn't the month for us. It hasn't helped that Cooper has had the worst week in the history of his short life. I haven't had a good solid sleep in what feels like weeks, I am averaging 3 hours a night and not only has being tired made me feel overwhelmingly emotional but I'm worried about what the lack of sleep is doing to my conception chances.
my 1st BFN..............12.6.12
10 Days past ovulation I took a test. I was right, it was a big fat negative. I was upset and angry, why did I let myself get my hopes up. Having never had experienced a negative test it's a horrible feeling, you feel like you're empty, like you've lost a piece of yourself that you never really had. I felt like a I was mourning a loss. It was irrational, how could I honestly expect to fall pregnant first time round again, it was never going to happen. However, that didn't make me feel any better, and trying to fall pregnant brought out a lot of emotions I never thought I had.... envy being one of them. To make matters worse I seemed to be hearing about new pregnancies that occurred by accident everyday, to learn of someone saying they weren't trying for a baby or they hadn't really wanted a 2nd or 3rd is NOT what a woman who is desperately trying to conceive wants to hear! I am lucky in that one of my newest and now closest friends was also trying to conceive their 2nd bub and was having difficulty as well, and so every negative test, or highly charged emotional day we could lean on each other and keep each other positive, but not only that, we could bitch and groan about all the "accidental" pregnancies that cross our war paths.
Thinking more about it now as I post, even though being pregnant far out ways getting a negative result I am glad that it was, not because I don't want to be pregnant, but because I feel like a lot of pressure has been lifted. I was making myself sick thinking about falling pregnant, and the pressure I was putting on myself and my body to fall pregnant straight away was not healthy. Now like most women I know what it feels like to be disappointed, but I also feel like this next cycle I will be more relaxed, knowing that it's not the end of the world to get a negative result (don't quote me on that - in 11 months time if I'm still baby less I may think differently)
And so it was back to taking temps and ovulation tests. In the mean time I scheduled an appointment for a check up with the sexual health and family planning centre, and I would encourage all women who are trying for a baby to do this.
This may be over share for some of the men who follow this blog, or even family members who check in on the odd occasion (I'm talking about you Dad) but as silly as it sounds I asked all kinds of questions, from whether or not certain lubricants can have adverse affects on the mobility of my husbands swimmers (good news is they don't and in fact you can purchase an American Brand called pre seed that is said to help mimic the environment that supports sperm), to the best timing (2-3am - so set your alarms ladies), positions (we all know this one, I don't think I need to spell it out) and how often doing the deed was recommended to produce healthy sperm and thus giving us the best chances of conceiving. It was the best 30 min consultation I've ever had lying down with a speculum and giant light shining up my hoo haa. To top off a great consultation the nurse said I had one of the healthiest cervix she'd seen, now I'm not sure what an unhealthy cervix looks like, but YAY for mine being fit and fabulous!
Patience is a virtue
Patience is not one of my strong points, ask any one of my family or friends.... In fact, when I decide that I am going to do something, I do it, there's no ifs, buts or maybes, I give 110%, all or nothing, and trying to conceive again was no different. I decided that I had indeed taken things too far when I realised I was planning my next blog post in my head as I lay in bed post coitus with my feet up in the air in the hope that gravity would help me fall pregnant. In fact I'm so impatient that just one day after my first negative test I jumped on line and found a book titled "The impatient woman's guide to getting pregnant" . Now (after impatiently awaiting it's arrival) I am reading up on the importance of diet, sleep and healthy living in conception, but also learning some great techniques to stop my determination and focus on having another baby from developing into a serious case of obsessive compulsive fixation. The book, which claims to be based on many different research studies also provides me the ammunition should anyone dare to tell me "just relax and it'll happen", it claims that thinking about conception and planning a pregnancy using ovulation tests and timing only increases the chances of it happening because you are listening to your body and reading its signals. HA! I knew I wasn't going over the top!
So now it's back on the job.
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