Charting
20.3.12
Around 6 weeks post partum I unfortunately experienced my first period, since then my cycle has been very regular and for the past month I've been actively charting my body temperature using a digital thermometer and recording results ever day using the Fertility Friend iPhone app. Today is day CD9 of my cycle and my bulk order of ovulation tests (OPKs) arrived (you would be surprised to see how excited I was by this). So along with recording my body temperature first thing in the morning I also used the test around 2pm and again at 8pm and both revealed a negative result. CD10 was a false positive, CD11 positive and CD12 negative. For four months I charted this way and every month was the same, I was excited, knowing that my body seemed to be back in working order, and even more excited that it seemed to be running like clockwork, as such I couldn't help but feel really positive about our chances to conceive without seeing too many months go by with negative pregnancy tests. But only time would tell.
The Time has Come....
At around the time Cooper turned one Simon and I sat down and had a chat about where we saw ourselves in the next few years. The usual topics raised their heads and were discussed, money, houses, study, work and Cooper's education and needs, but a the topic of extending our family was the one that took front row and centre. We've been saving for our own place for about a year now and putting ourselves into good positions with work, but did all that matter any more? I guess we had to determine what was most important to us, because as many people would know the cost of two in childcare (~$1,250 a fortnight for 4 days a week, or $1,400 for full time) and the amount you pay off an average mortgage (~$1,450 a fortnight) is almost impossible to achieve in Canberra for the average family without compromising on enjoying life or being able to do things, like holiday as a family. After a while we decided that owing a home could wait, but having children and being able to spend the time and money we'd like on them couldn't.
It was time to start trying.
As any woman would a test the 10-14 day or TWW (two week wait) to take a pregnancy test is torture. It's the only thing that is on your mind, it's the time when all of a sudden all you can see are pregnant woman around you. I know that stress and anxiety is not conducive for conception, but how can someone remain rational and calm when they want something so badly and they know that in 10-14 days they will know whether their biggest dream has come true? For me trying for our second baby corrupted my every thought, when cooking dinner I was careful about what I cooked and how, when I exercise I was careful not to lift weights above my head or get my heart rate or body temperature too high and when I was cleaning, well let's just say Simon did a lot more cleaning than normal just so I didn't have to inhale any nasty chemicals....... all because there was a slight chance that I could be pregnant. To make matters worse all I could think about was how easily we fell pregnant with Cooper and whether we would be lucky enough to experience that again. My head was telling me not to get my hopes up, that my body was still adjusting to life after carrying and feeding Cooper, but my heart was was filled with hope and I knew that I would be heart broken with each month that passed with a negative result.
I remember when I was pregnant with Cooper I followed every rule in the rule book, and when I have talked about how I thought I'd be second time round I thought I'd be a little more relaxed. The truth is, I don't think I will be. I guess during a first pregnancy you are a little sheltered, everything is new and exciting and people are considerate enough not to tell you the horror labour stories or heartbreaking miscarriages or still births they know about. A second pregnancy, I would imagine is harder, you are much more wise, and no longer sheltered, you know what to expect and the stories of still births and miscarriages that people have told you over the last 12 months haunt you. How can you ever really relax after hearing such heartbreaking stories! YOU CAN'T! Anyway, I digress, and I'll be sure to pick up that discussion later on, but for now, what we all want to know is how I am going to cope this next week and a half.....
Phantom symptoms or the real deal....
With each morning I wake up concentrating hard on what my body is telling me today. Does it feel different, are my boobs a little more tender, do I feel more tired than usual??? and then I stop and compose myself, I sound crazy right? The truth is with Cooper I knew before I ever took a test, my body was different, I felt different and I suppose that's what I'm thinking about most now, but wanting something so badly can make you think all kinds of things and I could convince myself either way if I allowed myself to. Fortunately I have Cooper to distract me of a morning, my perfect, healthy baby boy and the apple of my eye demands my attention the instant 7am clicks over on the clock and at east for the next 40-60mins I'm pre-occupied preparing him for the day ahead. Unfortunately if I don't have a hectic day at work my mind wanders again and I start to drive myself crazy.and I found myself 7 days past ovulation in tears because even though I hadn't taken a test I knew that this wasn't the month for us. It hasn't helped that Cooper has had the worst week in the history of his short life. I haven't had a good solid sleep in what feels like weeks, I am averaging 3 hours a night and not only has being tired made me feel overwhelmingly emotional but I'm worried about what the lack of sleep is doing to my conception chances.
my 1st BFN..............12.6.12
10 Days past ovulation I took a test. I was right, it was a big fat negative. I was upset and angry, why did I let myself get my hopes up. Having never had experienced a negative test it's a horrible feeling, you feel like you're empty, like you've lost a piece of yourself that you never really had. I felt like a I was mourning a loss. It was irrational, how could I honestly expect to fall pregnant first time round again, it was never going to happen. However, that didn't make me feel any better, and trying to fall pregnant brought out a lot of emotions I never thought I had.... envy being one of them. To make matters worse I seemed to be hearing about new pregnancies that occurred by accident everyday, to learn of someone saying they weren't trying for a baby or they hadn't really wanted a 2nd or 3rd is NOT what a woman who is desperately trying to conceive wants to hear! I am lucky in that one of my newest and now closest friends was also trying to conceive their 2nd bub and was having difficulty as well, and so every negative test, or highly charged emotional day we could lean on each other and keep each other positive, but not only that, we could bitch and groan about all the "accidental" pregnancies that cross our war paths.
Thinking more about it now as I post, even though being pregnant far out ways getting a negative result I am glad that it was, not because I don't want to be pregnant, but because I feel like a lot of pressure has been lifted. I was making myself sick thinking about falling pregnant, and the pressure I was putting on myself and my body to fall pregnant straight away was not healthy. Now like most women I know what it feels like to be disappointed, but I also feel like this next cycle I will be more relaxed, knowing that it's not the end of the world to get a negative result (don't quote me on that - in 11 months time if I'm still baby less I may think differently)
And so it was back to taking temps and ovulation tests. In the mean time I scheduled an appointment for a check up with the sexual health and family planning centre, and I would encourage all women who are trying for a baby to do this.
This may be over share for some of the men who follow this blog, or even family members who check in on the odd occasion (I'm talking about you Dad) but as silly as it sounds I asked all kinds of questions, from whether or not certain lubricants can have adverse affects on the mobility of my husbands swimmers (good news is they don't and in fact you can purchase an American Brand called pre seed that is said to help mimic the environment that supports sperm), to the best timing (2-3am - so set your alarms ladies), positions (we all know this one, I don't think I need to spell it out) and how often doing the deed was recommended to produce healthy sperm and thus giving us the best chances of conceiving. It was the best 30 min consultation I've ever had lying down with a speculum and giant light shining up my hoo haa. To top off a great consultation the nurse said I had one of the healthiest cervix she'd seen, now I'm not sure what an unhealthy cervix looks like, but YAY for mine being fit and fabulous!
Patience is a virtue
Patience is not one of my strong points, ask any one of my family or friends.... In fact, when I decide that I am going to do something, I do it, there's no ifs, buts or maybes, I give 110%, all or nothing, and trying to conceive again was no different. I decided that I had indeed taken things too far when I realised I was planning my next blog post in my head as I lay in bed post coitus with my feet up in the air in the hope that gravity would help me fall pregnant. In fact I'm so impatient that just one day after my first negative test I jumped on line and found a book titled "The impatient woman's guide to getting pregnant" . Now (after impatiently awaiting it's arrival) I am reading up on the importance of diet, sleep and healthy living in conception, but also learning some great techniques to stop my determination and focus on having another baby from developing into a serious case of obsessive compulsive fixation. The book, which claims to be based on many different research studies also provides me the ammunition should anyone dare to tell me "just relax and it'll happen", it claims that thinking about conception and planning a pregnancy using ovulation tests and timing only increases the chances of it happening because you are listening to your body and reading its signals. HA! I knew I wasn't going over the top!
So now it's back on the job.
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