Over worked, stressed, stretched to the max, but sure I'll be the teams coach this year.......

 Have you ever seen the twitter by Lurkin'Mom that circulates the internet? 

This resonates with me immensely. As a full time working mum of 4 active kids I certainly shouldn't feel guilty if I don't stick my hand up to assist a club or team. I could be forgiven for just turning up dropping my kids at practice or the game and returning to collect them once its all done right? Then why do I have a such a hard time saying no? This year alone I have managed a Stage 2 cricket side, a Division 1 club hockey team, a U13s state championship hockey team, I've been the u10s age manager for a little athletics club, a touch team manager, a club netball team coordinator, a Rep netball team coach and an Associations registrar. This backs on to years of managing and coaching my kids teams across a variety of sports. so WHY? Why do I consistently put my hand up, when I am overwhelmed, exhausted, time poor, stressed and emotionally drained from balancing normal work life duties as a mum? 

A huge part of it is because there are so many people out there who wont do it, have no interest in doing it and would happily see the club fall apart before volunteering some of their time each week to help (oh but don't worry, they'll whine and complain about the way the clubs run, or that I could do XYZ better or that my kid is only selected because I'm involved in the club). I remember growing up and seeing my parents do the exact same thing, year in and year out because no one else would. Without them, without me, without these poor overworked parents sticking their hands up the clubs don't function and kids miss out.  I also want all my kids to know that I care and take an interest in their passions. Sure there are teams that probably think the same of me as I rush to kick one kid out the car door before rushing to be somewhere else for another child and that's where the guilt kicks in. The parents and club people of that sport probably look at me and think I don't care, I'm not invested, it's not like I can walk around with badges like a girl scout with all my extra curricular activities listed on the breast of my work clothes so that people can see I am involved. Maybe I'm on to something with that idea......

I don't know if its because I'm approaching 40, or if it's just something people do as they age but I've been thinking more around how nurture shaped who I am, and how I respond to things, and what I might need to do to actively not pass certain things on to my children through my parenting. I've started listening to this podcast by Esther Parel "where should we begin" and without going into too much details there's this concept around your family of origin being autonomy or loyalty. 

I was bought up in autonomy, set up to be self sufficient, seeing asking for help as a weakness, repeating things until I could do them successfully on my own. There was never a village to work through things, my parents also never had the luxury of family living close by, so as they struggled with working and raising kids, bringing them up to be independent and autonomous was essential. I never saw this as a negative early on. Through my 20s autonomy served me really well. I understood that I could do things on my own, that if I worked hard, was persistent,  I could achieve things without help, I never needed to rely on my partner or friends or family. Its only now as a mother struggling to understand how other parents can palm their kids off every other week and have wider family support and run kids around to things without feeling guilty do I realise that autonomy isn't always ideal. Simple things like when Simon asks if I need a hand with dinner or hanging laundry where I should say "YES" to ease the burden I say "NO" because I'm capable of doing it all by my self. Until I'm not. Until I've taken on to much, until I'm managing or coaching every team my kids are involved with. 

It all comes down to my deep ingrained belief that if I'm not filling every waking moment of my day with something productive that I'm lazy and I've come to realise this all stems from my upbringing. Never being able to sleep past 8am because I was wasting the day, never sitting for more than 30 minutes at a time because something needed doing, I should be helping someone with chores, or farm work or housework, never just having a moment to be still. I don't remember my parents ever telling me I was lazy, but I know there was just this general expectation to always be doing somethin, to be achieving something. To not waste time. So here I am at 39 unable to relax, unable to say no, unable to ask for help. It's actually ironic, because it's the man (my dad) who made sure I was never lazy and always doing something that often tells me to stop doing so much, to stop scheduling the kids activities, to stop being involved and give my self time to relax. I suppose as you get older you get better and being forced to slow down. 

So the question now is, has my parenting forged the way for this same burden on my kids? Is it too late to lean into "loyalty" for them? Can I fix this? I don't know....

For now, I'm going to start scheduling "down time" for my kids, time to be alone, relaxed. While I know they are capable, I'm going to help them with simple tasks so they know I'm always there for help. I'll allow myself time where the kids can see me doing nothing and know that sometimes doing nothing is OK. I'll say yes when their dad asks if I need help. I'll give them a mental health day a term, where they can just chose not to go to school, take a day and just chill at home. 

And kids, if you are ever reading this, please know I give you permission to say NO, to ask for help (even as an adult), to take a day every now and then and just be "lazy" .....